I have come to the conclusion that one of the hardest ways to judge people, is based on the way they make their bracha when the called up to the torah. There are millions of other ways, but getting called up to the torah and making the brachas is one of those things that everyone does differently. Of course we can try to judge.
There are the regular old nosane hatorah folks who are just run of the mill average Joes. Then you have the notane hatorah folks- and usually they are sphardi, Israeli, or NCSY types. Then you have the folks who rock the chassidish accents up there on the podium- this is the way to tell who “used” to be chassidish. Many a time I have seen some normal dude in jeans and a shirt get called up only to discover that he said nee instead of nu, always exciting and interesting to see the murmurs in the crowd wondering what happened to his beard and peyos.
Of course those are the regulars, BT’s are probably the easiest person to judge based on their actions up at the bima. They usually fumble around for the bracha sheet, flush in face quickly moving away tikuns and chumashim as they try and find the holy grail, and when they don’t find it, suddenly the gabbi produces a siddur to the bracha page in a nick of time. Wacky BT’s tend to take their chumash and siddur up with them for some reason, as if they are planning a pilgrimage to the reading platform. Then of course you have those BT’s that love to be extremely slow in their brachas, pronouncing each word and making sure to get their pronunciations as wrong as possible. BT’s also tend to vary depending on who got to them first with regards to the suf or tuf. If they fell ito the hands of Chabad or Aish they tend to use suf’s, but if somehow they wandered into an NCSY shabbaton or hung out in one of the hippie outposts in Israel they will rock the tuf. These bat ayinicks, or moshav types also try unsuccessfully to say the bracha’s in an Israeli accent- it never works though.
Some folks like to show off their smooth skills and show everyone how clean and thorough their brachas and motions will be. They don the talis effortlessly throwing it on like a superman and then stride p to the torah, before the baal koreh can show them the place, they have tzitzis or gartel in hand and are kissing dabbing the spot. They clench the scroll tightly gently raise it and bow ever so slightly as they make their perfect sweep of the bracha, looking straight ahead to make sure no one even has a thought as to whether this person will cheat and look at the bracha sheet. These folks are otherwise known as bracha machers- they tend to be the folks that pay $5-grand for chassan torah and they are always gettinh aliyahs- so they have had time to practice this amazing feet of smoothness and reliability.
Chabadnicks tend to try to be different and slide the whole tzitzis or gartel up the torah scroll. They have a messy way to them that extends from their crushed hats and shlumpy outfits and half goat beards. They tend not to wear talesim at the torah and sometimes they even leave the scroll open when saying the bracha- the Swiss would be maddened b y their inefficiency and lack of organization when it comes to the aliyah. Though I must say their gelila is much smoother and faster then a normal one and therefore is not solely given to shull rejects as it is in most other shulls.
The frummest of them all actually what to do when called up. They either lain the aliyah hemselves which is mad old school and I have had the privilege to see a couple times- though it is usually painfully slow., and complete with ten people constantly screaming out corrections as if in a recital of some sort. Then you have the few people that called up and lain along with the baal koreh under their breath. These folks are the most knowledgeable of them all and even though they may have busted out their bracha NCSY style they still should receive the highest honor.
The weirdest folks by far are the normal yeshiva looking guys that bust out a normal bracha complete with tuf’s instead of suf’s. In the yeshiva setting they may have problems getting shidduchim and possibly be thrown out of yeshiva. To me they are an anomaly since so much careful thought is put in to make sure they never become anything close to Zionist. They are taught from day one that its better to attend a normal university then go to yeshiva university, and that knit yarmulkes are of the devil. So you must imagine the pain their parents and Rabbis go through every time they hear the tuf instead of the suf- especially when called up to the torah so everyone can see that they are really yeshiva fakers or even worse from modern orthodox homes that tried to infiltrate the yeshiva system.
I know what you are all thinking, where the heck are the sphardim? Well the problem is that sphardim are the one of the Jewish sects I have trouble making fun of, maybe it’s the sincerity maybe the insincerity, maybe it’s the fact that although they sound like Palestinians at morning prayer- I love the way they sing, daven and brachot. I also don’t have the opportunity to daven in their shulls often and when I do go I am to busy staring at the fine ladies over the mechitza and waiting for the pound-yourself-until-you-need-a-vomitorium- Kiddush. With kibbe on your mind its hard to concentrate on the laining.
There are tons more ways that folks rock the birchas hatorah and like always this is a work in progress with the help of you and your input.
dofan akuma
-06002007-05-27T00:00:50-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 00:00:50 -0600 5, 206
first to comment — nice (*applause*)
i would really like to know that little incantation the Sfardim say before barchu es (or rather et) hashem. It sounds something like ‘shev adochem.’ I want to get up the guts to try it, but i just want to be sure its not like a prayer to a hindu god or something.
Anonymous
-06002007-05-27T00:25:30-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 00:25:30 -0600 5, 206
u forgot 2 mention this kind of aliyah- in the reform shuls they have something called a “commmunal aliyah”. everyone that wants to just walkes up to the bima, men ,woman and together they sing the aliyah. In the background there is soft music playing. In short freakin hilarious
rebelwithacause
-06002007-05-27T05:32:14-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 05:32:14 -0600 5, 206
>>>Well the problem is that sphardim are the one of the Jewish sects I have trouble making fun of,
Sephardim are a Jewish sect? LOL!
Where are the Sephardim? The Sephardim are in a corner minding their own business.
Before the Barchu et Hashem, you say Yishtabach schmecha laad malkenu, I looked through all the prayers that come before Barchu et Hashem and I can’t find anything that sounds like shev adochem.
Yochanan
-06002007-05-27T07:59:26-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 07:59:26 -0600 5, 206
I can read (vocalized) Hebrew, but when I have to read it in front of everyone I get nervous. It really annoys me when I stop for a second and all of a sudden the gabbai is reading for me like I’m retarded.
frumbutwithit
-06002007-05-27T08:26:25-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 08:26:25 -0600 5, 206
So would you be the perfect BT to mess with up at the torah by taking away the bracha sheet and convincing you that asher yatzar was the bracha to say?
rebelwithacause
-06002007-05-27T11:18:55-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 11:18:55 -0600 5, 206
@Hesh LOL asher yatzar!
Chainik Hocker
-06002007-05-27T17:57:33-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 17:57:33 -0600 5, 206
I think the sephardim just say “RRRRRRRREvachhh!” a bunch of times when they get called up. At least, the last time I davened with the sephardim, half the words during chazoras hashatz seemed to be “RRRRRRRREvachhh!” or “barrrrrraCHOOO!”. Also, no one spoke. It was so quiet you could practically hear the chazzan. Spooky.
You also left out a category: mine. The guys who habitually come late on Shabbos morning and consequently have not received an aliyah since Simchas Torah. These people close their eyes tight and mumble in the hope that no one will hear them. While saying the brachos, they are davening, please, Hashem, let me remember which is bochar banu and which is nosan lanu, or whatever. This is the most sincere prayer they will say till Yom Kipur, when they will daven, please, Hashem, forgive me for coming after Shlishi every single Shabbos- You know how much I hate getting an aliyah.
Ben-Yehudah
-06002007-05-27T18:33:42-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 18:33:42 -0600 5, 206
B”H OK. How ’bout this one: “…nothane hatorah.”
Well? Oh, yeah, and if they’re not going to let me read myself, then I’ll give ’em the brush off.
frumbutwithit
-06002007-05-27T19:10:09-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 19:10:09 -0600 5, 206
Chainik: I used to be one of those dudes- I never got called up and consequently never knew the bracha by heart- then I was informed to my dismay that I was seriously in breach of halacha by not saying birchas hatorah in the morning- hence saying shema and learning without the needed brachos.
Most of the time instead of giving me an aliyah they gavce me the reject position of gelila- which I have gone to in depth in one my my fave posts.
Ben-Yehuda: Is that for the gay people or the folks who rock it Moses style with a lisp?
Hatam Soferet
-06002007-05-27T19:31:14-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 19:31:14 -0600 5, 206
You forgot the Invisible Oleh and the Small-Town Cohen. The Invisible Oleh is the guy who whispers the whole thing and you only know something is happening because you can hear the gabbai thundering the responses. The Small-Town Cohen always gets four aliyas every shabbos. He’s more interesting to watch when there’s a guest cohen in town – he’s already halfway to the bima when he realises someone else got called, so he changes direction and pretends he was just shmoozen, but really he doesn’t know what to do with himself, this is his two aliyas! so he shuffles about and pretends he doesn’t mind. Sometimes he will sidle up to the gabbai and lean over his shoulder pretending he can’t find the place in his chumash and needs to follow along in the gabbai’s book.
You also didn’t do the Torah Diva, but you wouldn’t know about her because you only find her in Conservative shuls. The Torah Diva is usually an older lady who really fancies herself as a singer. She grasps the Torah, looks down at the aliyah card, look out at the audience make eye contact, back straight chest out deep breath…then she lets rip, baaaarreeechoeoeoeoeoooo, you think perhaps she is having a seizure but it’s actually a vibrato and she keeps it up all through. When she’s done she releases the Torah, bows slightly, remembers that she is not playing to a packed hall so no-one will applaud, and tries to look as though she understands the reading while she’s waiting for her encore bracha.
yisroel
-06002007-05-27T19:40:44-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 19:40:44 -0600 5, 206
actually the chabad custom is to specifically have the torah closed when u make the bracha.
frumbutwithit
-06002007-05-27T19:42:39-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 19:42:39 -0600 5, 206
Ah the small town town cohen is something I am used to- as I do live in a small town. Actually we had no cohen this shabbos and the Rabbi took the first aliyah.
One of these days I will do some sort of post about all the hand signals going on up at the bima- how some convention should be called to generalize them kind of like the metric system or something.
Ryan
-06002007-05-27T21:59:13-06:00312007b-06:00Sun, 27 May 2007 21:59:13 -0600 5, 206
Pure gold. You shed so much light on a topic that isnt discussed. Very funny and so true.
moe
-06002007-05-28T02:35:53-06:00312007b-06:00Mon, 28 May 2007 02:35:53 -0600 5, 206
funny stuff
rebelwithacause
-06002007-05-28T04:20:28-06:00312007b-06:00Mon, 28 May 2007 04:20:28 -0600 5, 206
>>>>>>At least, the last time I davened with the sephardim, half the words during chazoras hashatz seemed to be “RRRRRRRREvachhh!” or “barrrrrraCHOOO!”. Also, no one spoke. It was so quiet you could practically hear the chazzan. Spooky.
lol. Why should anyone speak? You have to concentrate on your prayer. A shul is not a golf club.
What I really love is the machmir women women who stand up for every brachot during Noten HaTorah. lol. Then it’s very funny when the women shout out “Baruch Hu U’varuch Shemo ” after each “Baruch atah” is recited, you can see that the men on the other side of the mechitza start getting annoyed. lol.
Ben-Yehudah
-06002007-05-28T05:20:23-06:00312007b-06:00Mon, 28 May 2007 05:20:23 -0600 5, 206
“Is that for the gay people or the folks who rock it Moses style with a lisp?”
LOL. Dude! It’s called pronouncing the letters correctly! But, we won’t get into that here,…now will we? I try to limit the number of death threats I get in one day….
I’ve already reached my quota of dealing with Mishnah Brurah Police this week, and it’s only Monday.
It’s the Yemenites who rock! (See Rav Sa’adya Ga’on for more info….)
Anonymous
-06002007-05-28T16:40:59-06:00312007b-06:00Mon, 28 May 2007 16:40:59 -0600 5, 206
its “hashem imachem”
Yochanan
-06002007-05-28T18:10:50-06:00312007b-06:00Mon, 28 May 2007 18:10:50 -0600 5, 206
I’d probably say Asher Ya…wait a minute!
ari kinsberg
-06002007-05-29T10:55:22-06:00312007b-06:00Tue, 29 May 2007 10:55:22 -0600 5, 206
you left out the “erasers,” i.e., the people who scrape the klaf so hard with the entire corner of their talit before the aliyah that letters are bound to scratched off, rendering the sefer pasul.
when i was a baal kore i tried to make sure that the berkhot sheet was always in plain sight and not covered so the b.t.s would not have a problem
“Most of the time instead of giving me an aliyah they gavce me the reject position of gelila”
the gemara says that gelilah is actually the biggest honor you can get (though it is not clear if ashkenazi or sephardi gelilah is being referenced). it is funny that today people get insulted when they “all” they get it gelilah.
“They either lain the aliyah hemselves which is mad old school . . .”
where have you seen this? i have only witnessed this in yemenite minyanim
“Then you have the few people that called up and lain along with the baal koreh under their breath . . . they still should receive the highest honor.”
in my experience these people just confuse the baal kore and cause him to make mistakes. they almost always don’t know the trop at all and very frequenlty their ivre is just wrong.
for a follow up post you should write how to judge folks based on their post-aliyah mi-sheberakhs
frumbutwithit
-06002007-05-29T11:01:28-06:00312007b-06:00Tue, 29 May 2007 11:01:28 -0600 5, 206
I know all about the gartel scrapers- they are mostly Lubavitch I have noticed. I have a great follow up already written- just tweaking it a bit.
ari kinsberg
-06002007-05-29T11:24:54-06:00312007b-06:00Tue, 29 May 2007 11:24:54 -0600 5, 206
yes. and they scrape not just once, but three times. where the aliyah starts, where it ends and once more where it starts.
Chainik Hocker
-06002007-05-29T19:19:18-06:00312007b-06:00Tue, 29 May 2007 19:19:18 -0600 5, 206
Oh, yeah, the Mi Sheberachs. In our shul, its kind of a competition to see who can give the most Mi Sheberachs out. The new people usually wimp out with their kids, the rov, the gabbai, the baal koreh, and kol hamispalelim kan, but quite a few people give to all thier friends by name. If you can’t remember your friends’ full names you lose. Fortunately our gabbai is cool with this and thinks it’s as funny as we do, but mi sheberachs in our shul usually take longer than the actual aliyahs.
frumbutwithit
-06002007-05-29T19:40:53-06:00312007b-06:00Tue, 29 May 2007 19:40:53 -0600 5, 206
It seems that people who whip out random names are just making them up to fill the void. Funny how right before they finish the whole mesheberachs- they will bust out some random names that they “forgot”
Gershy
-06002007-05-30T11:42:59-06:00312007b-06:00Wed, 30 May 2007 11:42:59 -0600 5, 206
Chainik Hokker – you had me in tears. I’m that guy who gets an aliyah very rarely because I’m never in shul when the Gabbai hands out the aliyah cards (those silver things that some men lust for and others, like myself, rarely see) so when I do get called up to the Torah I usually just let go, figuring all those years of yeshiva upbringing and sleeping during laining hopefully I got something via osmosis, and I always get it right. Watch, next Simchas Torah when I get an aliyah I’ll remmember this article and start mad laughing when I get my aliyah!
The other funny thing to point out is the baal koreh who says “Amen” after the rabbi has told him to wait in between the bracha and the reading. Everyone has already said the Amen, the rabbi says wait, the ladies stop talking, some father shushes his kid, and then the Bal Korah lets it rip with another Amen. Too funny!
rebelwithacause
-06002007-05-30T12:11:45-06:00312007b-06:00Wed, 30 May 2007 12:11:45 -0600 5, 206
This just came to my mind and I need to mention it. You know how the new BTs wear these huge tallits, which they get from Chabad? Most of them have a hard time moving around with those huge tallits and either someone steps on their tallit when they are going towards the bimah like superman and they can’t move cause someone is stepping on their tallit lol or the fringes get stuck on things or people. lol.
Soferet
-06002007-08-06T01:44:18-06:00312007b-06:00Mon, 06 Aug 2007 01:44:18 -0600 5, 206
Why judge anyone at all?
🙂
Frum Hiker
-06002007-08-06T06:37:26-06:00312007b-06:00Mon, 06 Aug 2007 06:37:26 -0600 5, 206
Because its fun