The best ways to mess with Baal Teshuva’s

Please visit my new site at
http://frumsatire.net/

There was some kid at the kosher kitchen today where I mashgiach once in a while- who switched the way he was facing during benching so as a joke I told him to face the other way like in shmona esray and all the sudden I had an epiphany. I decided to list the best ways to mess with baal teshuvas who haven’t been frum too long or are still in the process. I even asked some of my fellow BT friends for ideas. This is a work in progress- email or comment with your suggestions.

Tell them the reason Jews don’t get abortions is because the temple is not around anymore and we cannot have sacrifices,

Convince them to drink the mayim achronim waters,

Tell them to stand up and salute when they do hagba,

When you see a newly indoctrinated BT putting tefilin on- gasp with horror and ask them where the other arm is?

Tell them that flushing their toilet on shabbos is forbidden because it carries stuff from rishus hayachid to rishus harabim,

Tell them it is a custom to wish newly weds luck in the bedroom,

Hide the barcha sheet when they called up to the torah for an aliyah,

Hide all the transliterated siddurim and give them one of those free breslover ones the dudes hand out in the street,

Alleviate their fears by saying the prayers of tefilas haderech and oray minay bisumin were made to show appreciation for drug use,

Convince them to buy those ticheles tzitzis,

Tell them that peeing facing east is assur,

Tell them to be care full about wiping their mouths with unkosher napkins,

The OR symbol on products is the strictest hechsher in the kasharus field- standing for Orthodox Rabbis,

Serve veggie burgers with cheese- nonchalantly, ignoring the sweat beading off your friends face- struggling to understand and convince them it is a sphardi custom,

Tell them to save all their bedikas chometz bread for throwing at tashlich,

Show them how to hold a lulav- upside down,

Tell them asher yatzar should be said for any bodily function that comes from openings, such as masturbation, sneezing, and throwing up,

If you happen to be in a litveshe setting convince your friend to strike up a hearty Yechi adonanu….

Direct them to shuir hashirum for every haftorah,

We must cheer and clop for Mordichai because he saved the Jews- hence the reason for graggers,

Get them to clap after a Rabbis drasha,

Direct the random BT entering your shull to the usually empty women’s section,

During purim try to get them to pull a woman’s sheitle off- make up some custom about exposing the costume wearers,

The hole in the sheet sex is really false- its really supposed to be through a talis,

All fruits and veggies must be certified kosher,

Freak them out by saying they may have to “renew” their bris,

Point to some randlom shmona esray insertation and tell them that since they missed they need to say it over again- stop them before they start of course- (don’t want no bracha livatala’s)

Tell them that the reason why Aish and Chabad hate each other is because the Rebbe was Water according to his astrological sign and water and aish dont mix well,

In order to get bircas kohanim rights you have to have big hands- so its harder not to look and you get more sechar for not looking,

Posted in: BT's, Halachic Rantings, Lubavitchers, Shull Rants