For the right to Spice

Posted on +00002006-12-20T10:04:01+00:00312006bUTCWed, 20 Dec 2006 10:04:01 +0000 5, 206

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So I shop by unit price. I learnt of the unit price in an entry level money class at community college and ever since I have been looking at what is really the better deal. Is that 128oz Tropicana really cheaper than the 64oz one? Once in a while being the clever shopper I am I come across something so outrageous that I have to share it with the world or the mere 200 people reading it per day.

So last night at around 11:15 with the stock session in full swing, loud offensive hip hop blaring from the boom boxes scattered about, half opened boxes with young men and women holding mustard, cans of veggies and tampons in hand trying to find their right spots I swung my shopping cart into the spice aisle. I needed curry powder and paprika- which may I say is a great word to say. I got into a little dialogue with myself all about the annunciation of paprika.

What I found in the spice aisle was unlike anything I had seen. The dudes at Hannaford decided that they would give you the unit price pound for spices- instead of say a normal measurement of ounces. So Bay Leaves cost as much as some of that really bad Israeli weed, you know that stuff that comes by the garbage bag and makes people throw up after wards. Bay leaves cost $591 per pound. I wonder if they sold them by the pound if people would go on bay leaves strike and have to settle with a substitute like Oregano which in fact only costs $141 per pound. I bought Paprika which costs under $100 per pound but Curry Powder was a whopping $350 per pound. I felt used and abused paying so much for something of such minuteness. After all one could be totally satisfied with just salt, which actually you can buy by the pound for mad cheap.

I wonder if in other countries spice dealers are running from the law. You know a big mean dude comes up to in an alleyway and tries to sell you dime bags and quarter bags of crushed red pepper and Mrs. Dash’s seasoning salt. “Hey buddy check out these ultra heady bay leaves, they is da shit”. Or “ dude this bag of chopped garlic will get you blown”.

You know maybe the government someday will ban spices because it creates too much diversity and with suburban malls and chain stores we are really trying to do away with people liking different things. You can have garlic, just as long as everyone gets garlic. Imagine a socialist spice economy, kind of like the whole Boston Tea Party thing but worse. You see at least they had their tea it just wasn’t the right price, but here the spice police will come into your house and demand that they taste the pasta sauce to see if you have been adding illegal basil and oregano. What would the Jews do without spices to add to the cholent, and the Italians to their pasta, and the Chinese to their woks and the blacks to their fried chicken and collard greens, and don’t forget the obese trailer trash crowd and their mayonnaise- that’s right folks once they ban spices- condiments will be next- and then the apocalypse will dawn on humanity.

Life without condiments would be like a constant state of cotton mouth. Tuna fish sticking to the roof of your mouth without its mayo, or veggies without their dressing, or gasp the burger without catsup, or the steak without A-1, or the rice without soy sauce. Now calm down readers and grab the nearest paper bag to hyperventilate, but we will never let it get that far. We will fight for our spice and condiment rights and forever hold our peace.   

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