What if your Rabbi wore a pink thong to shull?

The JTS made a big mistake by allowing the ordination of Gay Rabbis. Halchic issues aside there are many other issues they should have considered when making such an important decision.

As you may know Gays tend to be very conscious of the way they dress, the way their homes reflect their personalities and the way their friends reflect their attitudes. In other words being Gay is a lot about externals. Ever been to a gay pride parade, its nothing like a solidarity rally cry for equal rights, its more of a fashion show of the weird. Pink thong clad men dance on floats to German techno as they sport leather vests and visors. Guys in full out drag that could convince any man including myself that they were just a bunch of scantily clad hotties showing off what they got. Women who dress like men, men who dress like women and everything in between. Seems like the whole LGBT thing has more to do with style then with actual issues.

Imagine if the ahron had a pink peroches and the bima had a leather cover while the torah had some see through-thong like covering. How about the Rabbi wearing a purple suit and his partner dressing drag. It seems to me that this wouldn’t flow in many conservative congregations. Many conservatives are devout people who happen to keep many halachos who justw ant to sit next to their wives in shull or maybe they cant hear the sermon so they need the added convenience of a microphone. But the Rebetzin in drag is going a bit too far. Instead of herring, kichel and slivovitz at the Kiddush, they will have wine coolers, white Russians, pate, bruschetta, maybe some of those fancy English biscuits to complement the various upper class spreads tat normal folks unless they spend a lot of time in Dean and Deluca cannot pronounce. The pews will remain but maybe in the back of shull some hot tubs and steam rooms will be installed.

The old folks in shull will complain that the microphone needs t be adjusted during the sermon when really its just the Gay Rabbis flamboyant lisp. Why does he keep waving at the congregation and why does he shake hands like a girl? Men will be jealous of the Rabbi for getting all of the women’s attention since he is most likely to be in great shape. For Purim when all he wears is a pink thong and sunglasses he may get some flack from the board. The Israeli and American flags in the front of the sanctuary will be replaced by the rainbow flag, angering veterans and Zionists alike. The ex-yeshiva people in the shull will get pissed because at least the Rabbi should wear a white shirt, what’s with all the tight colorful shirts they will ask?

I wonder if the folks at JTS considered all these potential problems which are sure to arise, once the gay Rabbis start flocking to pulpits around the country. At least when they are tutoring for bar mitzvahs their voices will match with the pre-pubescent boy’s voice. Will the shulls all have to install transgender bathrooms now? Will they all have to replace their siddurim, chumashim, Torah Scrolls and other books due to the fact it clearly states more then once that acting on your gay taivas is an abomination? Maybe they will just have the Baal Koreh carry round white out to blotch out the parts by Noach, and Sodom and others who violate this commandment. Or maybe they will just get some good old King James editions of Bibles instead of having chumashim, its so much easier to just have the new testament, half the congregants probably don’t have kosher conversions anyway, this will allow them to get in touch with both their Jewish and Christian roots. How about when instead of quoting famous Rabbis in their speeches they quote people like Gloria Steinem, Elton John and Barbara Boxer? Instead of the traditional klezmer night they will watch videos of when famous people came out of the closet. At least we know that gay and lesbian Rabbis are likely to embrace th concept of separate dancing and they will relish in sweaty horas and even attend simchas of more religious cousins in order to hold hands with a bunch of sweaty yeshiva guys and girls.

Last but not least how do they intend to check if the gay Rabbis were getting jiggy with it. After all one of the main parts of the ruling was that there will be no “she-aino ki-darco” as the gemara calls it. For the Aramaic impaired its called anal sex. How do they intend to check? Maybe it will be like the whole nida thing, except this time the partner must insert the cloth you know where and show it to the Rov who most likely will be gay and be able to tell if they had been doing it like the Sodomites.