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http://frumsatire.net/
Lets face the facts Lubavitchers are the coolest Chasidim, maybe this is why they are hated so much: My list of the reasons why they rock
They embrace the internet and use it for good, rather then casting it off as evil
Lubavitch girls are the hot
Lubavitch girls don’t dress so frummie
Lubavitch girls have cool hobbies and they are extremely active
Matisyahu can kick Lipa Shmeltzers ass any day
They are the only large Chasidic sect that communicates in English
They don’t speak in yeshivish lingo
They don’t only make brown foods for shabbos
770 is like one big frat party
Free places to stay around the globe
Great kiddushes, not just kichel and herring
The erev shabbos kugel and cholent store in Crown Heights
The girls are aloud to learn gemara
The girls are smart and witty
Fabrengins
Diverse yarmulke styles black, brown, navy and red velvet and cloth as well
The Rebbe had the wickedest thumb dip of all the Rebbe’s
Meshichists are hilarious and bring life to any party
The inner Lubavitcher politics is way cooler then the whole Satmar and Bobov situation
Messianic Jews who would’ve thought
Did I mention that Lubavitch girls are the hottest of them all
The messiest and shlumpiest of men can be rest assured they will get a hot wife
The women don’t have to wear those stupid turbans
They also don’t have to shave their heads
They don’t deny their pasts like many BT’s
Sukkah mobiles can pimp out the worst of cars
Lubavitchers have hobbies and interests other then banning things
They don’t feel the need to ban something every week
Can you pass the Mashka
Chabad houses have good reading material
Campus chabad houses have hot chicks and free food
Making fun of meshichists provides one with hours of entertainment
Turf wars between Aish and Chabad are rather interesting
Lubavitchers let women speak to men and even have mixed seating at events
Lubavitch girls don’t wear bulletproof stockings
Shachris at 11:00 may seem early to some (yes I know all Chasidim rock the late minyanim)
Lubavitchers have not banned post high school education for girls yet
They haven’t banned denim skirts either and they all wear the black leather hooker boots
Jewish geography with Lubbies is hilarious
Calling out Mendy or Mushkie to a crowd of children is awesome
They are all inbred and married to each other
Some of them even use veggies like spinach and collards
They have invented something called a cholent bar
Organized is a bad word
They have human hair sheitles
The men don’t have to rock the long peyos
Lubavitchers that shave their beards off are not automatically discharged as heretics
Non-religious or modern Jews are considered apikorsim
They always have secular magazines and newspapers lying around
All Lubavitch shulls have English translated books
Baal Shemtov stories are rockin’
They don’t force you to take useless books when you give them tzedaka
They don’t send you Chanukah wicks and charoset year after year to try and schnor off of you
Why Lubavitchers annoy me: For some reason this list does not apply to the Capitol district Chabad so much
Can’t you have a damned artscroll or non-tehilat Hashem siddur?
How about some ashkenaz prayer books?
Messianic orthodox Jews?
Pick some different names already
Ok, please talk about some other non-Lubavitcher Rebbe’s
Yo what’s the deal with all the hotties only marrying Lubavitch guys? Not fair
Cholov yisroel, come on
We need some new niggunim
What’s the deal with using the N word all the time? (not the local Albany Lubbies by the way)
I want to marry a Lubavitch girl, hook me up
Why can’t Lubavitchers teach in Bais Yaakovs, so the girls turn out interesting and fun to talk to?
No processed foods on Pesach
Not even Gebrokts jeez
Why can’t they just throw all the Yechi wackos out of 770 already?
What’s the deal with the crushed hat look?
Ok, we know your cool, how about some different clothing colors for the men?
Streimels are way cooler then crushed hats you know
Did I mention that I am jealous of Lubavitchers because all the girls are hot while we misnagdem are stuck wth jappy Bais Yaakov girls and the Stern crowd
How about a new Rebbe eh?
Filed under: Frummies: a satirical exploration, I like Girls, Lubavitchers
The messiest and shlumpiest of men can be rest assured they will get a hot wife.
Oy. So true, just having a discussion about this.
Did somebody say Matisyahu?
…And yes, the preceeding has been yet another shameless self-promotion.
I thought your list was hilarious. As a non-lubavitcher who goes to a Chabad shul that has no black hatters except for the rabbi and the Yeshiva guys who come to help; I can attest to many of these things. And I’m proud to say that I too can rock the denim skirts with hooker boots.
Oh, and I wish they’d throw the wackos out of 770 too.
All I said was that Matisyahu can kick some Lipa Shmeltzer ass- it was more of a battle of the chasidic superstars that is all. I am not recommending either or. Truthfully I prefer the Marvelous Midos Machine.
Oh and Lubavitch girls are mad hot!!!
This was awesome. Just awesome.
Lipa Smelzer sucks- his one hit wonder with the take off of a wimo-wack is just lame.
AWESOME.
And I just bought myself a pair of those black leather hooker boots…
Avraham Fried rocks, Boruch Nachshon can paint amazing artworks. Chabad supports Jewish settlements, too.
On theo ther hand- we gotta clean up 770. It’s not just about the yellow-flags, the place smells like old cholent.
Um, I was under the impression that the Rebbe was very much against higher education for the veibelach.
Honest to G-d,this really happened to me…I was in 770 and there was this pile of shit right there on the steps leading down the bathrooms…I was like”o.k jacob,no more herb for you”.Problem was,I havent done that stuff in years so I wasnt trippin’
THERE WAS A PILE OF DOGSHIT IN 770 ON THE STEPS! OMG!
Is that possible?
Ayelet, thats not so simple. Beleive it or now, the Rebbe actually would give a bracha to about 50 percent of the people (boys or girls) who asked.
I dont know why he would say yes to some and no to others,. but there were many many people who got yes’s.
The only reason I mentioned that was that not being a Lubavitcher myself I do know of many Lubaviotcher girls who attend, Touro, Stern and Queens college and they are all frum girls so I assumed they werent being rebelious.
Jac on `Crack, first of all its actually not hard to believe I was at 770 twice. Onc`e for the Rebbes Funerael and once for my buddies oof-roof. With the drunken madness oblivious to even the hottest Lubavitch girls with the shortest skirts and the tightest shirts the drunken smirnof filled men couldnt care less about some dog-shit. They care about simcha and happiness purely. Thats what makes them so much cooler and fun then all other Chasidim besides maybe Bresslovers. The Lubbies embrace mitzvos out of love and respect and yes fear should be in there to. B ut unlike other chsidim which ban something new every day they do NOT base all of their lives on fear. FEAR based mitzvos are real bad in my book, it means you really dont want to do it but rather have been forced by your community or sect.
Where do i sign up and become a Lubob, i can use some Lubavitch ass. i can totally rock lubavitch style with the rest of them, all i need to do is grow a lil messed up beard and start shopping at banana republic with tzitzis hanging out of my 100 dollar shirt. Oh yeh, and i can drink if neccessary.
“Non-religious or modern Jews are considered apikorsim”
Did you mean ‘are not’?
I meant NOT you are correct.
Chulent bar?
Please tell me that was a joke.
Whats a chulent bar?
chulent bar- 1 fleish,1 veg, wet and dry so thats 4 and if its a real simcha then a morrocan one as well
Shabbos house represents with the chulent bar. I happen to only like the regular chulents but for some reason this past shabbos the two regular chulents were much better. I would say it was due to their smaller crockpots.
This is hillarious. Well written. It’s amazing how many girls want the hooker boots and the short denim skirts. It only bolsters my old belief, that behind every frum prude in flatbush, is some repressed whore ready to let it all go.
Richard this is why the terms sheitle hooker was coined by Frum-Satire and Hot-Channie by Ask Shifra
Sheitle Hooker walkin down the street, Sheitle hooker the kind Id like to meet, Ohhh pretty frummy.
Heh, this list is hysterical. Nice.
Get a life and stop being obssessed with ‘hot’ girls…start looking for pnimiyus and maybe you’ll find a shidduch. Or do you not know what pnimiyus is??? Man, you got me so mad!
Everyone is obsessed with hot girls. You may be pissed off because you are either not hot or not Lubavitch. Or maybe you have PMS, or maybe you have something up your tuchus. Or maybe you are a frummy who didnt read the name of the site. Frum Satire damnit!!
let me tell you something.
the list is fun, but the “modern dressed” lubavitcher girls with “hooker leather boots” DOES NOT RESPRESENT lubavitch.
the rebbe was REALLY hurt about the situation (back then it was only the beggining) and fought against it.
every one has a ietzer hora and guy´s ietzer likes the hotties…… but thats a sad situation that has to be cleaned up (like the wackos…yellow flagers…) and its NOT something to cheer!
I agree with you 100%, except that the list was more for fun than seriousness. I have posted in the past about my positive and negative feelings towards Lubavitchers- I love them to death, and wish I were one, minus the beards and keeping cholov yisroel- I pretty much am. I wor for them, live with them, learn with them and daven with them. I dont mean them in a bad way by the way.
It is a problem that although they are classified as black hat- the girls and women dress very modern, with tight clothing and such. I love it because I am horny guy who happens to think the world of Lubbie girls in terms of their intellect and off the beaten path hobbies, and looks- but I too am turned off at the same time- by people who do not practice what they preach.
I have never experienced the hot girls of Lubavitch. All the women are pregnant, 65+ years old, 5 years old, or ugly at the Chabad house where I live.
Well you just may be out of luck- because I have visited chabbad houses all across the nation and repeatedly the daughters of shliachs are hot- the hottest girls are located in Crown Heights of course. Oh and I may just be comparing to the rest of the frum girl population which is on a whole much less hot then Lubavitcher girls- as a side note Lubob girls tend to also have better personalities, higher intellect and much more wordly then other frum girls- adding top their hotness.
Have you been to the chabbad house in Milwaukee, WI? That’s where I live.
It happens to be that Milwaukee is in the path of the heavily polluted prevailing winds of Chicago and Gary’s industrial nastiness- this causes the women of your specific city to lack the same qualities as the women of the chabbad houses of – Albany, Syracuse, Alaska, Seattle, Rochester, Toronto, Montreal, NYC, Miami, and Phoenix. I am sorry for your unfortunate situation.
True that!
The lubavith women are smokin’
Be careful of waht you say about the Chabd House in Milwaukee WI I have been known to daaven there and I consider myself to be an attractive young lady!
Of course you did realize I was joking around and that I have never actually been to the chabad in Milwaukee actually I have driven to every single state and never stepped foot in the city of Milwaukee imagine that.
What I love about Lubavitch.
LEAH KLEIM !
What I hate about Lubavitch.
NEIL KAPLAN ! why does he get her?
http://playchossidmonsey.blogspot.com/2007/04/video.html
Dude… What are you talking about. Capital District Chabad isn’t an exception. I’m frum today because of a massive crush I had on a certain Delmar shliachs daughter. Though it never paned out, she’d be a great catch. Too bad there’s the whole unwritten rule about FFB Chabad girls not being allowed to date BT guys. Oh, there’s also the problem of the fact that I blew it in 8th grade when I creeped her out. Oh well…
btw… I initially saw this post as a fwd I got by email from a friend with no connection to you. Your stuff is starting to get around. Go you!
I live in the Heights,about a block away from the Big House. My kvetch-I`ve been to simchas everywhere-Viznitz,Pupa(the Rebbe`s family!),Satmar-they`re all down with Reb Shlomo`s niggunim.Not the Lubovs-at least most of the recent simchas I`ve been to. Do I smell a little jealousy that he didn`t stick with Lubavitch? Hmm? One Lubavitcher minhag I like- you can eat before davening! cartoon- Two gay guys driving past 770. One turns to his friend and exclaims, Ooooh, check out all the BEARS! -Did you get that? Shame on YOU!!!
ok this is fun interesting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! improud to b a luby girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
no one mentioned the tanya…. thats thebest part of being lubavitch u learn about ur inner self thats how u become so aware smart and just a good person. its the secret to a happy HAPPY LIFE! have agretaweek peoples
Have you ever learned the kedushas Halevi, Mesilas yeshurim, chovos levovos, derech Hashem, Shaarie Teshuva?
Or do you Lubbies shun all musar?
Come to sydney Australia and there you’ll understand wat it means to see a hot girl!!!!
I have heard about the Luby girls in Aus. My buddy went there for yeshiva- fortunately for him he had long ago shed his Lubavitcherness on the inside and enjoyed his time immensely
i got one word for you guys -PATHETIC…..u guys are such loosers (although i do take alot of it as compliments)
damn straight!a whole bunch of suckers who like chabad for their chicks and chabad houses so they can get free food and maybe get see a hot chick. fagggs!!!
Hesh I love the folks who come on to your site and take everything literal. If only they would take shir hashirim literal and make a movie about it?
All of you need to lighten the fuck up and take a chill pill.
Anon:
Guy is right- you newbies come to this site and take everything seriously. The author is a cynic and you should know that he is just screwing around. Did you read his posts on why he loves Tanya and the Rebbe’s Sichos? I don’t think so, so don’t be quick to judge and be dan l’cav zchus and check out some of the other posts before going into crisis mode.
is the hot loob chick thing genetic? Kinda like the square beard? If you convert to chabad will your progeny acquire the coveted lubab hotness? If you’re a girl yourself will your rating increase automatically when you become lubavitch? Its well cheaper than plastic surgery!!
Just some food for thought….
I think its because of all the natural foods they eat on pesach. Those preservatives will kill ya…
I was just at a party last night…couple lubab chicks…damn hot…made us all look like shit
LOOSERS!!!! I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU GUYS
Why because we cannot get one of you lubbies since we don’t know every maimer by heart and don’t have a wild beard? Its not my fault I wasn’t born into the sect or feel like giving up ben and jerrys.
hey id take a hot chick over ben and jerrys anyday.
Yes but do you have a scraggly beard and know the order of the rebbes. Like which number is the Rebbe Rashab or the Tzemach Tzedek?
fyi the tzemach tzedek is the third lubavitcher rebbe and the rebbe rashab is the fifth
I actually know that due to my Lubavitch roommate and landlord.
good for you….now go teach others so they can be wannabes like you!
# 1 REASON LUBAVITCH ROCKS.
Me and Sholom Keller are there work of art !
I wonder what the Lubbies think of that.
there is more to us than just hot chicks…and btw i only went to chabad school and we learnt chovos halevavos and some mesilas yeshorim… i found it really intresting but is pathetic to base ur iras and ahavas hahsem and fullfilment of the mitzvos just on fear of the world to come and all that stuff that says there… have a good one.. im enjoying ur blog by the way….u guys are such snag is incredible…
Hey Lubbie thanks for the compliment- however I am posting it on my new site at
http://frumsatire.net
Check it out
Purim hero
“Too bad there’s the whole unwritten rule about FFB Chabad girls not being allowed to date BT guys. ”
thats not true in fact my mother is ffb and my father is bt
The reason Lubavitch girls are hot is not because of their physical appearance but because of their attitude. This attitude can be picked up by anyone; all it requires is a little bit of selflessness and a desire to party.
[...] This is so funny I couldnt stop laughing. [...]
ooookkkaaaaay
last comment “selflessness and desire to party”
i dont feel lubavitch cuz i dont have that
going to watch living torah
just to rep for the ladies:
~Hot guys (well i think facial hair is hot. and spreading Torah. So there.)
~Black is not the only color in a lubav girls closet. (yeshivish people, that needs to end!)
AS, CUSTOMARILY, MARRIAGES AMONG THE FRUM ARE ARRANGED, ONE CAN UNDERSTAND THE WIDESPREAD INCIDENCE OF LESBIANISM AMONG THE FRUMETTES IN THEIR FRUSTRATED DESIRE TO HAVE SOME VESTIGE OF VOLUNTARY CONTROL OVER THEIR EMOTIONS AND SEX-LIVES. IN THIS DAY AND AGE, WHAT HEALTHY YOUNG WOMAN WANTS SOME BEARDED OLD BASTARD TELLING HER TO MARRY AND SPREAD HER REGLAYIM FOR SOME CHUBBY YESHIVA BUCHER (OR SOME SKINNY EFFEMINATE ONE EITHER)? I FEEL SORRY FOR THESE YOUNG WOMEN FOR TO BE TOLD WHO TO LOVE IS TO BE TOLD TO NOT LOVE AT ALL. THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS, NOT WHAT IT IS ORDERED TO WANT. SHALOM AND ZEI GEZUNT!