Republican Jews and Obama – stand up

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Different ways to respond to people talking during shul

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How can one respond to non-stop shul talking? Is there really any way to stop it, or will it go on through all the pauses and bimah clops forever. Here is a list of the different ways that shuls have tried to stop the talkers.

The traditional bimah clop – doesn’t work too well because its used for everything from morid hatal to a signal to start singing mazel tov, I wonder if the clop makes people stop talking and start inserting random prayers into the davening?

Nuuuuuuuu!!!! – this is usually done by one really irritated member of the shul who just cant take it anymore, lets just thank the Lord that the folks in Texas are laid back because they are all gun nuts.

The davening or laining pause – is this even allowed, I never understood how the chazzan could just stop laining or chazaras hashas to hint to the talkers that it was getting bad. Its usually the rabbi who signals with an angry hand gesture to stop and start. Immediately after the chazzan starts up again the talking begins.

The Good Samaritan – this is the guy who walks up to the talkers and humbly says something like, listen guys why don’t you just take it outside? This guy is always ignored, I feel like they want to tell him to just daven and leave them alone but they don’t, they just ignore him.

The mussar guy – this is classic in a yeshiva setting or frummy shul, this is the person that uses the power of halacha against the talkers. Things like the mishna brura says its better not to come to shul then talk during shul or random mussardicke things like you are going to rot in hell for eternity if talk in shul and that sort of thing. I feel like this is similar to telling someone not to push the red button.

The Rabbi – in very extreme cases the rabbi will actually intervene to shut the talkers up, although it’s usually done from his seat with a look of death or one of those stopping the baal koreh moves.

The contract – in the five towns there is a shul that made everyone sign contracts that they wouldn’t talk in shul, a little extreme but I guess it was a big problem.

The stare – usually done by the Rabbi as well to signal that he is getting pissed.

The kiddush club – many people don’t know this but the kiddush club helps foster sanctity in shul, at least until the revelers get back sloshed from single malt and smelling like matzchas herring.

The different types of people who talk during shul

I admit it, I talk in shul once in a while, but I am not one of those loud rambunctious talkers who feel they have to let the world know about their wife Devora burning the challah or how they got screwed in the market that week, I am not one of those. I usually have a running commentary wherever I go especially shul, but I know how to talk during shul without disturbing, I have manners and I understand the sanctity of the shul, sort of.

What kind of shul talker are you?

I own this shul:
These guys act like they own the place, upon walking into shul fashionably late, maybe around nishmas on shabbos morning, they shake people’s hands and have small conversations with them, even the folks who motion that they are davening are forced to listen to these shul owners updates of the week. I own this shul talkers are the guys that everyone pretends to be all chummy with, but when alone munching on kichel they love to spew about how much they are irked by them. The rabbi tries relentlessly to knock some sense into these guys to no avail.

Hold on someone is looking at us:
I find that many shul talkers fit into this category; they will talk loudly until they get the stare from the Rabbi or someone across the aisle who is actually in shul to daven. This category of talkers is also of the variety that will stop the conversation when the baal koreh stops laining as a sign of disgust, and as soon as the guy starts up laining, guess who is talking again. These talkers tend to be sitting down during conversations unlike the “I own this shul talker” which does his talking while standing because he has to work the crowd.

Lean on me:
These guys tend to lean over and put their arm around your back and rest it on the bench, it’s a more intimate way of talking and is usually done by people who have secrets to tell or are talking about someone else near by. These shul talker types tend to nod their heads and smile a lot, most likely a cause of the juicy in-shul loshon horah fest taking place.

Wallflowers:
These are the causal shul talkers, they keep it cool by leaning against a wall or a piece of mechitza. They tend to speak a few words to people entering the shul, sometimes these people are the unofficial usher, because how many shuls actually have ushers – I hate shul ushers because they make you sit when you would like to scope out best seats for possible Rabbi sermon exit and mechitza peeping.

Old and loud:
In many shuls there are always a couple of these cute old men who wear their pants so high that if they opened their flies, you would see stomach rather then penis. These guys love to hang over the edge of the pew and point their fingers at people as they talk to them. They tend to talk really loudly and have no idea they are doing it. I was in the Kew Garden Hills young Israel once and these two guys kept making fun of each other that their hearing aids weren’t working.

Body language:
Once in a while you see what appears to be a one way conversation, the guy who the shul talker tried to initiate in conversation pretends he is too frum for shul talk, but in all honesty if he was he could have done one of those really loud nu’s!!! Followed by a sh!!! Or he could have pulled his talis over his head, but no such thing happened. Instead the one guy talks and the other guy davens and talks with body. Sometimes a gasp or a uh huh will exit his mouth as he davens, but most of the time he davens and nods in agreement with the talker.

The pause and talk:
I think I have the tendency to have a running commentary and therefore I tend to say a few words and integrate myself into davening and then talk again. It kind of makes me look like I am sort of talking and sort of davening. It usually happens with people who will not answer back and just chuckle at my random thoughts which are always best during shul.

People who only talk during specific times:
There are a whole slew of people who only talk during certain times when it’s deemed as more politically correct to do so. These times include but are not limited to.

After you finish shmona esray before kedusha
Between aliyahs

Between hagba and gelila

While the president is making announcements

During pesukei d’zimra

During chazaras hashas

During the rabbis speech (there are also the opposite types who talk during all of shul and shut up during the rabbis speech)

Upon entering the shul before you find a seat

Anytime you stand up – I call these the stand up talkers

People who talk to their wives over the mechitza – usually to pass things like animal crackers and kids with full diapers

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New Israeli movie portrays lesbian love in girls seminary

If you knew how many people a day came to my site by searching any of a wide variety of frum or chassidic combined with the words porn, sex, gay, lesbian, horny, etc… it would be quite shocking. In fact I would love to see the looks on some of these peoples faces as they clicked on my site and expected some bais yaakov porn. But of course google is weird and combines all sorts of things to make the search engine come up with what it does and non of that stuff actually exists. Almost every guy I know has searched for frum porn at one time or another, sometimes going as deep as 10 pages into google when they realized that David Frum a political commentator takes up most results that include frum in the search term. Until now!

I was in Rochester, NY for shabbos and someone made a comment about a new Israeli film that was playing at the Image Out Film Festival which is Rochester’s very own Gay film festival. The film is called The Secrets and its about a seminary in Tzfat where two girls fall in love. Bais Yaakov girls gone wild on film, what could be better? Since it is an Israeli film its probably safe to say that there will be some hot frummy lesbian sex scenes.

I was told that this is actually happening on a regular basis in frum girls schools and I wouldn’t be surprised, considering that all I hear about is pillow fights and KY wrestling matches after they get back from Cafe Rimon and Fro-Yo.

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I will be attending First international Jewish Blogging Convention in Israel

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As the title states I will be attending the first international Jewish Blogger convention in Jerusalem on August 20th. In fact I just found out (by looking at the convention schedule) that I will be speaking or shall we say flailing my arms and talking wildly about my reunion with falafel and those flimsy cardboard yarmulkes at the kotel.

I haven’t been in Israel since 2003 so I am super pumped, but even more so I am pumped because this is my first big break as a blogger, a FREE trip to Israel- who can turn that down- and I didn’t have to do anything illegal to get it. In fact all I have to do is mention my sponsor- Nefesh Bnefesh and WebAds Israel a couple times and follow around a new oleh family and write about my experiences following them on their flight to Israel and watching their reactions when they just realized that they will never be able to shop at Wal Mart or drive a pickup truck again.

You may call it selling out- but no one is forcing you to read my 6 mandatory posts documenting what its like to make aliyah and my experiences at this Jewish Blogging Convention. No one is forcing you- though for you the audience- its definitely worth all of the new material in written and video form that I will be able to get upon spending a week in Israel and two days in Turkey. Or maybe its a Nefesh Bnefesh conspiracy to get all us American Bloggers to move to Israel because we will be so overwhelmed by the enthusiasm on board an Aliyah flight (I hear its way cool)

Now for the official flier:

Dear Bloggers,

I am thrilled to announce the First International Jewish Bloggers Convention – Hosted by Nefesh B’Nefesh, and Powered by WebAds.

The theme of the convention is “Taking JBlogging to the Next Level”.

This convention will be a great opportunity to meet other Jewish bloggers from all around the world, to network, to learn, and just have fun.

There will be panel discussions with leading Jewish bloggers from around the world on issues such as how to be a more influential blogger, how to increase your traffic, and blogging on issues related to Israel and Aliyah.

The keynote speaker will be Zavi Apfelbaum, Director – Brand Management Team, Foreign Ministry of the State of Israel.

Zavi is in charge of a new initiative by the Government of Israel, to promote pro-Israel branding and PR on the Internet, particularly in interactive forums such as blogs.

Among the bloggers on the various panels will be Treppenwitz, Jewlicious, Hirhurim, My Shrapnel, and others (see the website for all the name).

Also offering a special guest performance, direct from America, and right off the special Nefesh B’Nefesh Blogger flight, will be the comedy of FrumSatire. (I had no idea until about 10 minutes ago)

As it’s a convention (of Jews), there will also be great food. (Thank God because just the free flight wouldn’t cover it.)

The convention will be on Wednesday, August 20th from 5pm to 9pm (Israel time) in Jerusalem.

Space is limited and registration is required, you can register to attend in person, or watch it all by webcam and forum.

Oh and on Sunday August 24th I will be doing my own Comedy show in Jerusalem Refer to last weeks post for details.

Facebook Event page for details.